self-destruction.

9 Nov

today has not been my day. yesterday was not my day. this week (and last week) weren’t my weeks.. i’m ready for something good to come about, because i’m starting to feel extra debbie downerish..

2 good things about my day today:

1: my scarf matched my contigo coffee mug.

(my favorite color is purple)

2: i could eat sabra roasted garlic hummus by the spoonful

I LOVE THIS STUFF.

anyway, back to pity party mode, not that i want to be like this, i actually hate feeling blah.  so, as i’ve said before, i am completing a 12 week BFL challenge which i’m currently on week 8 (wait, maybe 7) i’m not positive.. the reason i’m not positive is because i’ve lost ALL drive to keep going with this challenge, i have NO IDEA why, though. this happens to me just about every time i try to lose weight and get back on track with exercising.. i hit about 2, maybe 3 months, and my drive just disappears.  i thought this time was different though, i was SO MOTIVATED and i was doing SO GOOD.  i haven’t veered off with my eating (that much) but exercise has definitely taken a hit.  this started about 2 weeks ago when i got a call from my mom telling me my dad was in hospital because he thought he had a heart attack (luckily he didn’t, but he’s still seeing a specialist to pin point what exactly caused that discomfort)

*note: i have been EXTRA exhausted the past few months (this includes a few months before i started BFL) and when i went home recently, i found out my dad has a completely inactive thyroid which he was put on medication for (he use to be the dad that came home from work and sat in his chair until he was ready to go to bed).  i, then, found out about a week later at a family wedding that my dad’s whole side has thyroid problems which have contributed to their weight (my whole family, minus a few young cousins, is overweight). i may be the spitting image of my mom when she was younger, but every health issue i have ever had, mirrors my dad (which helps so i know what i can to do help prevent some serious illnesses in the future). so i have an appointment with a specialist next week, since the blood work from my general practitioner didn’t show anything abnormal.

so, hopefully when it’s all said and done, i will be able to find out why i am exhausted and hopefully that will in-turn boost my drive to want to continue this challenge.  i’m luck i have barbara to help me get through it, if i didn’t have someone doing this with me, i would be no obligation to keep myself the slightest bit accountable.

my meals have basically been about the same for the past couple days..

satuday was my free day (bfl – eat whatever, whenever, as much as you like)

-mocha protein smoothie (2/3 C unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 C cold coffee, 1 scoop EAS Whey Chocolate, a few cubes of ice), 1 egg over easy, 2 kashi waffles.

-wendy’s bacon cheeseburger, fries, small frosty (btw felt like shit afterward – i know my body was trying to yell at me for what i put in it)

-chips, salsa, 2 soft chimichangas

-small cup of pumpkin fro-yo with cheesecake bites on top

sunday was busy so i was trying to get a balance of carbs and proteins as best as i could.  this included

-1 protein waffle with 1 tbsp of smucker’s natural honey pb spread on top

-a pure protein bar (chocolate peanut butter)

-1 cube of panko crusted chicken breast, 4 shells of edamame, 1 cube of pumpkin pie, 1 tbsp of clam and corn chowder.  (can you tell where we were? costco. DAMN THOSE FREE SAMPLES! the last few times i resisted the urge, but for some reason sunday, i gave right in)

– 1 apple and a handful of mixed nuts

-whole wheat penne pasta with chicken, spinach, and fontina meatballs with vodka sauce

..all in all not a terrible day, but definitely not the best i’ve had. didn’t drink half as much water as i should have.

monday: woke up and actually made it to the gym. did a lower body workout (half-assed) only burnt 278 cals.

-spinach/blueberry/banana protein shake with EAS Whey Vanilla and unsweetened almond milk

-protein oats (1/3 C rolled oats, 1 scoop of EAS Whey Vanilla protein powder, 1 tbsp of natural pb)

-leftover pasta and meatballs

-1 medium honeycrisp, 2 mini baby bell lights

-spinach salad with cucumbers, tomatoes, and 4 oz of turkey roast (which had been slow cooking all day) with a little bit of annie’s honey mustard on top.  2 arnold sandwich thins with 1 tsp of sunbutter and 1 tsp of natural unsweetened applesauce.

..pretty good day (workout sucked cause i had no motivation but something is better than nothing, right?)

today: woke up at 3:45 am (efffff) to take barbara to the airport so no workout this am (which means no workout)

-mocha protein shake (same as one on sunday) and a honeycrisp apple

-half a whole wheat bagel with a smear of cream cheese, 2 pieces of pineapple and 1 piece of cantaloupe (we had breakfast at work and i thought they would have something i could have, which they really didnt.. so i stuck to these few items, then came back to my desk and had a chocolate protein smoothie)

-chocolate protein-sunbutter oats

-leftover pasta and meatballs, cucumbers and hummus

-laughing cow light wedged and 4 oz of low sodium turkey on a low carb wrap.. cucumbers with roasted garlic hummus

..now i’m sitting here blogging (which i don’t think i’m very good at, nor am i consistent) when i really should be studying for the CPA exam.  so right now my blog doesn’t make much sense.. no sweating lately, not much studying, but i’m thinking about calling it an early night soon to see if i just need a good nights sleep to throw me out of this funk. ( i got maybe 1 solid hour of sleep last night cause the dogs were going crazy)

goodnight.. hopefully i’ll be back sooner than later.. in a better mood with better eating and gym habits also.

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